The Meaning of Life

“Are you cool?” the obviously cool person I had never met asked from the other end of the phone.

“Uhhh, I don’t know. That’s not really up to me, is it?” I asked sealing my uncoolness.

This phone call started off as a missionary effort by friends of the family to help me connect in the town we were moving to. Now it was a lesson to the poor, cool kid on the other end about why nerds stay nerdy.

“Meaningless! Meaningless!” says the Teacher. “Utterly Meaningless! Everything is Meaningless!”

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Being a church-raised nerd who was taught that nearly everything was infinitely significant, this verse from the book of Ecclesiastes threw me off for a long time. It didn’t seem to line up with live right, go to heaven and get rewarded for everything. Then on a field trip, I watched one of my orchestra friends have a mental breakdown in our hotel room when he realized he had lost track of the day, eaten meat on the sabbath (or something like that) and was now apparently destined for hell. There was no consoling him until he called his parents who explained that there was some simple ritual to make things right again. Phweew. That was close.

And really, really weird. I would even say, "Meaningless!" I didn’t even know you had to do that stuff to stay out of hell and it seemed easy enough to right the wrong I was still unconvinced I should worry about it quite that much. I mean, our orchestra performance is tomorrow and If you can’t pull it together I’ll be second chair viola and I’m not ready for that!

I know the meaning of life is something a little larger than I have the mind for on my own. I also know the things I don’t understand, like my friend’s meltdown and being cool on purpose, are comparatively meaningless to me, lagging far behind more meaningful things like dinner with my family, staring into the world of my aquariums or the euphoria of passing out in my own bed after a twelve hour night shift. The teacher in Ecclesiastes also says, “A man can do no better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, for without him who can eat or find enjoyment?” Seems good to me.

Writing Prompt: Why I Write

This is my answer to a recent writing prompt: Why I Write.

As a socially awkward high-schooler, I fell in love with writing when an entire English class laughed at my whimsical use of five, disparate spelling words in the same sentence, a feat I could never accomplish at a conversational pace. Suddenly, I was more witty than weird, at least enough to divert some attention from my coke bottle glasses, mullet and Hawaiian shirt with bright yellow Velcro in place of the buttons. After that, I discovered angst ridden poetry as a way to vent the emotional casualties of still being socially clueless even if I was witty. I knew the world would read it one day and realize what a great and influential intellect I was. Now it reminds me what a great and influential intellect I wasn’t. All because those words are still there to read, to transcend the time that’s passed and to allow me to meditate on them again. Writing helps me understand myself and share it with others who grew up thinking wits would make a bigger difference, when In the end, it was actually the Velcro, Hawaiian shirt.

Chasing Rainbows

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"Can I touch it?!" my three year old daughter asked excitedly looking back at me from the brilliant, double-decker rainbow that glowed against the dark clouds behind it.
"Give it a try," I encouraged her in a moment of inspiration as iridescent raindrops continued to fall lightly around us through the bright sunshine overhead. No one else spoke up to ruin the innocent wonder as she went to the end of the driveway to get closer to it.
"I still can't reach it. Can I go to the street?" she sought permission to go the forbidden distance.
"Just no further than the street," I let her go and she lit up again with new hope. She reached the edge of the street, reached as high as she could, jumped up and down a little and then looked back at me.
"I need up!" she declared. "Can I ride on your shoulders?"
She reached as high as she could from my shoulders and with a better view of things made the observation, "It's over their, behind their house."
We crossed the street to the end of the world and she made a final effort reaching as far toward it as her short arms and my balance would allow.
"I can't reach it," she conceded the end of the chase while still reveling in the glory of the rainbow and being on dads shoulders on the other side of the street. The pursuit had already taken her higher and farther than usual.
"That's my friends house! Can they touch it?" her enthusiasm picked up again realizing they were closer to the rainbow than we were.
"Maybe they can," I enjoyed sharing the thrilling idea that someone else might be able to reach what we couldn't as we walked back to the house with our attention back on the iridescent rain.

We've chased moons and airplanes the same way. Will we ever catch one? Probably not. Are they worth chasing? Absolutely.

Potato Soup

While I was listening to my kids argue yesterday morning about whether or not my youngest daughter was potato soup, something occurred to me; I was hungry. It was a similar revelation to the one I had a few months ago when we realized that my daughter (the one who may or may not be potato soup) was only chewing up the items in her older sisters play set that represented food items. Until that realization, this was a serious conflict between them as my older daughter believed her mini-figures where in imminent danger as well. We bought her her very own mini-kitchen for her birthday and she's now happily chewing her own wooden food items and preparing imaginary potato soup for everyone.

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Before you call CPS, we feed my youngest daughter plenty and we have more wooden food if she doesn't get full on the painted vegetables we already gave her. Besides that, I'm not convinced she enjoys the imaginary food any less than the real stuff. After all, you can eat all the imaginary food you want to without the side affects. And there's no such thing as bad flavor or texture combinations... bring on the chocolate potato soup and top it off with a kale milkshake. It also cuts way down on the cost of social gatherings if you can't multiply food like Jesus.

So, we're back to my first realization about being hungry. We are, of course, talking about spiritual food as much as physical food and, aside from all its benefits, imaginary food just doesn't cut it long term. Sure, it's cheap, it's easy to feed to the masses and you can eat as much as you want. But, somehow you still end up with indigestion and splinters. As Jesus Christ famously and controversially said, "My flesh is real food and my blood is real drink." I feed it to my kids all the time and it really cuts down on the damage to the painted vegetables. If you're hungry, try it.

Packaging

I think packaging is designed under the forced labor of delinquent elves who failed rehab. My other theory is Satan, the Antichrist's contribution to Christmas. Packaging should come with a list of tools you'll need to open it just like complex furniture comes with a list of tools you'll need to assemble it. It's basically the same process in reverse, takes about the same amount of time and also promises to go better than it does. First you turn all the twist locks a quarter turn to the left to separate the plates of bullet proof glass that protect your item in the war zone environment of the store shelf. Once the plates are removed, you use your tamper proof screw driver to remove the even more tamper proof screws that hold the preformed display plastic; you know - that clear sheet of kryptonite that ensures the perfectly arranged pieces of that dollhouse would look just as tidy after a 15.0 magnitude earthquake. And just in case an eager child is waiting to promptly snatch one of those tiny pieces and choke on it as soon as their little hands can touch it, -not to worry!- every single piece is individually secured to that stupid little house by string that you couldn't cut if your life depended on it... and it does! Don't underestimate the wrath of a small child who has to wait more than fifteen seconds to get that damn thing out of the box!

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So I might have exaggerated a little but there's a point to be made here. Don't let Satan or delinquent elves help with Christmas (or packaging in general). On second thought, maybe that's not such a bad idea. By design of the one who runs the whole show, that packaging goes a long way toward making sure that only the person who paid for the product gets it, and gets it with no nicks, dings or missing pieces. That packaging also gives you a good idea of just how much potential that dollhouse has before you trash it trying to get it out of the box.

Of course this is actually an overreaching, spiritual lesson that we're going to apply to Christ, the namesake gift of Christmas until such a time as we rename it and celebrate something else. He comes in the daunting packaging of The Bible, a man named Jesus and the laws of nature. Mankind has been working on unwrapping that packaging for thousands of years but we still don't quite have him out of the box. Most decide it's not even worth opening and the delinquent elves rejoice. But be patient. His promises are a gift received only by those who prove their interest by persevering against the evil packaging people.

A Decade and a Turkey

Facebook suggested I share this photo of me doing a decade from something close to twenty years ago. I hope Blogger doesn't mind my social media hoping to do so and I hope the rest of you don't mind the point of view. I don't think Facebook took that into consideration when they recommended I share it. Maybe they thought you would like the mountains. It seemed more interesting than a turkey picture, anyway.

Speaking of turkeys, there's a scripture that says all creation has been cursed with us and, according to God's plan, is eagerly waiting to be redeemed with us. Among other creatures, I take that to include Thanksgiving turkeys, pets (that I liked), and dinosaurs. The new earth will be an interesting place, especially if you have to share it with me. Till then, scripture also says, "kill and eat", so enjoy that turkey or ham (or whatever animal you're responsible for killing this year) and be thankful this bloody mess won't last forever. Happy Thanksgiving.

Fake News

I'm particularly enjoying the current hoopla about fake news on social media sources. The latest claim, of course, is the assertion that it influenced the election. Really?! Is there any popular media that doesn't influence the election... or political attitudes in general... or what you have for dinner tonight? I'm assuming this is in contrast to the completely trustworthy networks that don't make up their news - you know, the ones who facilitate the belief that there are only two choices for president. That's coming from a "vote waster" who threw his influence away on a third party candidate so don't take me too serious. I didn't even watch the debates. I was too busy writing fake news for social media (I think that's still called a blog).

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NEWS FLASH - U.S. Elects Perfect President!
A tiny minority of Americans rejoiced Friday morning at the outrageously suspicious victory for the Perfect Presidents Party. Besides the foreign voting machines, purchased media bias and thugs at the poling places, no one knows how they pulled it off. But the unexpected victory is one for the history books!

If it makes good on its campaign promises, the incoming administration will secure perfect national security via border checkpoints fitted with the latest technology to scan for genetic predispositions to nonconformist behavior, theistic ideology and health problems. Entry taxes will be administered based on the risk an individual carries for these defects and the revenue will be used for corrective programs. Of course none of this personal information will be sold or illegally shared lest we end up with fake news tailored to each persons defective preferences.

In regard to the proposed perfect economics program, global financial markets have responded by convulsing violently and some have spontaneously combusted as everyone is uncertain how fiat currencies will react to accountable accounting. Several world powers have already threatened nuclear attacks if a tolerable level of corruption is not immediately embraced by the new power and the Peaceful People Party who suffered a stinging loss this election has begun arming its members to forcefully reestablish the status quo.

Still, the Perfect President Party has been undaunted in celebrating the long awaited success of the delusion that a non-Antichrist will unify their chaotic and baseless efforts to escape the governmental mirror that keeps offending them. The transition of power is currently underway and will determine how to proceed based on how the outgoing administration responds to various kinds of mudslinging and death threats. Congratulations to the Perfect Presidents Party and, above all, good luck!
-Reported by Splandorf exclusively for the Free Maniacs Press.

In reality, I'm looking forward to a perfect King, not a perfect president, and The Bible (the unfakest document in the world) assures us that, just like now, the transition will be marked in part by an abundance of fake news with faked authority. But the King I'm waiting for also happens to already be in power vicariously through the current spectrum of human governments and he trains us through them. The short version is He's training us for obedience (to him, not mindless cronyism) and rewards us richly for it when his kingdom does come. Some of that obedience comes naturally. Wherever you stand politically, your natural inclination to pray for peace and wisdom right now is a good one. The obedience that's expected after we receive what we're asking for is more complex, but it's always to this end: "From one man he made all the nations, that should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their land. God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out him for and find him, though his not far from any of us. For in him we live and move and have our being." - Acts 17:26-28