The world seems to be having an especially hard time coming to terms with itself lately. This isn't new but it's been a while since we were quite so frustrated with the mirror of our collective reality. Since paraphrase Bibles are popular these days, here's my own wildly speculative and lose version of Genesis 1-3 to help us along.
Genesis 1-3 JWSLV (James's Wildly Speculative and Lose Version)
Adam morally wakes up after eating the forbidden fruit and looks around, grasping his situation for the first time:
Adam: Crap!
Jesus: Yep. For your whole life. Well, this life, anyway.
Adam: How could you let this happen? You said we were all "good"!
Jesus: I did. We are. But it's way over your head.
Adam: Do you realize how insulting that is? I ate the fruit. I'm smart now. And why is this on me? It wasn't even my fault
Jesus: It was.
Adam: How do you know? You weren't even there!
Jesus: I'm everywhere. And you're not that smart... And "Where are you?" was a rhetorical question.
Adam: Well, if you're so smart and good, why did you give me that gullible woman as a "helper" AND let sneaky Satan in here?
Jesus: It's the best way for you to learn what you need to. It's a life-long lesson but we're not talking about that right now. I do want to talk about some chores for you, though.
Adam: What?! What about Eve?!
Jesus: She'll get hers, but that doesn't change anything for you. It's going to suck, but it'll be good for you.
Adam: I can't even believe you, right now. And what about Satan?!
Jesus: Ditto my last answer.
Adam: I could kill you right now!
Jesus: Not really. But your descendants will... kind of.
Adam: We're SO done talking about this.
Jesus: You're right, for once. Now put on the chaps I just made you and go to work.
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